I Live In The Fourth Dimmension

I am late, for this I apologize. It is a hard journey to make, there are a lot of obstacles to overcome. My mind is filled with wooden blocks, the crude shapes of letters carved into the side. When I turn one way I can make out vague ideas on their sides. To turn another way is to gain a new perspective. Unfortunately, however, they haven't been connecting. How strange for something to be the same yet completely unconnected...

I have been in a sort of rut the past two weeks. And by rut I mean I've been pretty much dead to everything, including my personal desires and the expectations of my parents and friends. It's not that I want to not care, I just can't seem to work up enough energy to care or do anything. And that doesn't make sense because I've gotten plenty of sleep. I think it has to do with starting college. I've always considered high school as my dead period, I couldn't wait for it to end so that I could begin. Now that it's over I think my sub conscious is giving it a once more "Hey, this is the last summer of being dead, enjoy it" kick. Although I'm not enjoying it and I think that that may be important. If I can look back on how wasted and miserable this summer has been, then I'll never want to fall into such a rut again and therefore will work hard against such apathy and sloth.

I am not especially happy. Although, in a weird, ironic turn of behavior, I am in love with everything and everyone. I guess it might not make sense to you. My sedentary lifestyle of the past two weeks has given me the opportunity to observe and think about all that I have to be thankful for. I've always been peripherally aware of how blessed I am but it wasn't until this summer that I have been able to feel how blessed I am and to revel in this feeling. Or any feeling for that matter.

I suppose I'm not happy because whenever you realize how lucky you are, the next logical thoughts are turned toward analyzing why you are so lucky and most people, invariably, discover that they truly don't deserve their happiness. I don't anyways. And I'm not saying that no one deserves to be happy. In a biblical turn of introspection, Jesus died so that we could be happy and it would be ungrateful to be otherwise. Yet, I cannot help but feel that my blessing far outweigh my actions and I am constantly reminded that I will never be able to repay those who have made my life so lovely for doing so. Not even if I work the rest of my life toward that end will I ever be able to sufficiently pay them back. And a part of me doesn't want to because being in their debt makes me something. If I wasn't indebted to anyone...where would that put me..?

It would isolate me. It would be like ending those relationships that have been built upon favors and gifts and love and blessings. In a way it would be like saying, "Thanks for all you've done, but I don't need you so take this and go". And so, in a way, paying back all of those gifts feels rude and ungrateful, like you are saying that you're too good to depend upon their kindness, that you have no need for them.

But still. I am in love. With everything and everyone. And it fills me.