I am late, for this I apologize. It is a hard journey to make, there are a lot of obstacles to overcome. My mind is filled with wooden blocks, the crude shapes of letters carved into the side. When I turn one way I can make out vague ideas on their sides. To turn another way is to gain a new perspective. Unfortunately, however, they haven't been connecting. How strange for something to be the same yet completely unconnected...
I have been in a sort of rut the past two weeks. And by rut I mean I've been pretty much dead to everything, including my personal desires and the expectations of my parents and friends. It's not that I want to not care, I just can't seem to work up enough energy to care or do anything. And that doesn't make sense because I've gotten plenty of sleep. I think it has to do with starting college. I've always considered high school as my dead period, I couldn't wait for it to end so that I could begin. Now that it's over I think my sub conscious is giving it a once more "Hey, this is the last summer of being dead, enjoy it" kick. Although I'm not enjoying it and I think that that may be important. If I can look back on how wasted and miserable this summer has been, then I'll never want to fall into such a rut again and therefore will work hard against such apathy and sloth.
I am not especially happy. Although, in a weird, ironic turn of behavior, I am in love with everything and everyone. I guess it might not make sense to you. My sedentary lifestyle of the past two weeks has given me the opportunity to observe and think about all that I have to be thankful for. I've always been peripherally aware of how blessed I am but it wasn't until this summer that I have been able to feel how blessed I am and to revel in this feeling. Or any feeling for that matter.
I suppose I'm not happy because whenever you realize how lucky you are, the next logical thoughts are turned toward analyzing why you are so lucky and most people, invariably, discover that they truly don't deserve their happiness. I don't anyways. And I'm not saying that no one deserves to be happy. In a biblical turn of introspection, Jesus died so that we could be happy and it would be ungrateful to be otherwise. Yet, I cannot help but feel that my blessing far outweigh my actions and I am constantly reminded that I will never be able to repay those who have made my life so lovely for doing so. Not even if I work the rest of my life toward that end will I ever be able to sufficiently pay them back. And a part of me doesn't want to because being in their debt makes me something. If I wasn't indebted to anyone...where would that put me..?
It would isolate me. It would be like ending those relationships that have been built upon favors and gifts and love and blessings. In a way it would be like saying, "Thanks for all you've done, but I don't need you so take this and go". And so, in a way, paying back all of those gifts feels rude and ungrateful, like you are saying that you're too good to depend upon their kindness, that you have no need for them.
But still. I am in love. With everything and everyone. And it fills me.
24 June, 2009
14 June, 2009
Petition To My AP Lit Class
Listen to my words. I do not look up at the night sky and philosophize. Listen to me speak. The works of Chaucer or Shakespeare do not spring to mind nor do they lend me a voice to express the beauty around me on those dazzling nights. Look at me as I tell you that instead of reciting poetry I still my thoughts and allow the night’s splendor to envelope me, to drench me in tranquility and emotional peace. We have learned together so acknowledge my words when I say I could here cite Walden’s transcendental teachings – of emptying one’s self of society’s cluttered philosophies and living with nature in the moment – however be aware that this particular characteristic of mine, though enforced by Thoreau’s teachings, did not originate in them.
There are some who would say that, as a female, I am prone to prefer emotion over logical thought. I am a being of intuition and emotion for they are the children of nature and the parents of wisdom. Contrary to what most people would believe, to what you probably believe, this never made me naïve, but rather, more skeptical because who of you truly trust their heart when it comes to solving life’s mysteries? Exactly, neither do I.
I used to confuse this need to be skeptical with cynicism. The jaded live a life of luxury and indolence. Listen to my words because when I look around I see queens and kings of empty philosophy. You see them too. They never venture past the base emotions of anger, resentment and irony. They are never let down because they never expect to be fulfilled. They don’t hope. They miss the meaning of life entirely by reveling in the feeling of superiority and false control cynicism grants them.
Listen to my words. I am not enlightened, I am vain and spoiled, yet I think that we could all agree that, were we to assign a sex to both good and evil we would find ourselves surrounded in androgyny. How more poignant an example to support that then the power point presentation I gave but a week ago on the indefinite nature of evil? How often have we run into characters of moral ambiguity in the literature we have read in this class? Intent and circumstance dissolve the characteristics of both vice and virtue until they run together and their physical characteristics are no longer distinguishable.
Ambition for example. We have all, at one time or another in this class, labeled ambition a failing of character. Oedipus Rex, Caesar, and Willy Loman were all ambitious people who suffered. However, I think that we have mislabeled their failing graces. Listen to me when I say that it was not ambition, but of arrogance born of ambition that caused their individual collapses. The arrogance to believe that they deserved what they had and, even more so, that they deserved what they had not earned. Understand when I say there is no such thing as entitlement. No one is entitled to anything.
Agree with me when I say that we can change the world. Who here hasn’t heard the maxim “The Pen Is Mightier than the Sword” and who, by now, doesn’t know full well what that means? Think of Hiroshima. Think of the countless satirical articles we have read in this class. Did they not stir emotion within you? Did they not make you consider? Think of A Modest Proposal. Listen to me. I know you understand and I know that you can effect change in the same manner.
There are some who would say that, as a female, I am prone to prefer emotion over logical thought. I am a being of intuition and emotion for they are the children of nature and the parents of wisdom. Contrary to what most people would believe, to what you probably believe, this never made me naïve, but rather, more skeptical because who of you truly trust their heart when it comes to solving life’s mysteries? Exactly, neither do I.
I used to confuse this need to be skeptical with cynicism. The jaded live a life of luxury and indolence. Listen to my words because when I look around I see queens and kings of empty philosophy. You see them too. They never venture past the base emotions of anger, resentment and irony. They are never let down because they never expect to be fulfilled. They don’t hope. They miss the meaning of life entirely by reveling in the feeling of superiority and false control cynicism grants them.
Listen to my words. I am not enlightened, I am vain and spoiled, yet I think that we could all agree that, were we to assign a sex to both good and evil we would find ourselves surrounded in androgyny. How more poignant an example to support that then the power point presentation I gave but a week ago on the indefinite nature of evil? How often have we run into characters of moral ambiguity in the literature we have read in this class? Intent and circumstance dissolve the characteristics of both vice and virtue until they run together and their physical characteristics are no longer distinguishable.
Ambition for example. We have all, at one time or another in this class, labeled ambition a failing of character. Oedipus Rex, Caesar, and Willy Loman were all ambitious people who suffered. However, I think that we have mislabeled their failing graces. Listen to me when I say that it was not ambition, but of arrogance born of ambition that caused their individual collapses. The arrogance to believe that they deserved what they had and, even more so, that they deserved what they had not earned. Understand when I say there is no such thing as entitlement. No one is entitled to anything.
Agree with me when I say that we can change the world. Who here hasn’t heard the maxim “The Pen Is Mightier than the Sword” and who, by now, doesn’t know full well what that means? Think of Hiroshima. Think of the countless satirical articles we have read in this class. Did they not stir emotion within you? Did they not make you consider? Think of A Modest Proposal. Listen to me. I know you understand and I know that you can effect change in the same manner.
Admit with me, you feel superior. We have read the classics. We know William Faulkner and Henrik Ibsen, we’ve studies poetry and prose. Admit you feel accomplished. Good. We should feel accomplished. We should even feel some superiority. We are justified. Don’t let anyone take that away because I certainly will not.
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