Things Always Sound So Much Better in My Sleep

So....
My grandmother is in the intensive care unit of a local hospital.

I don't know what to think...although (and I know this doesn't make much sense) she's made me think...about a lot actually.

I don't feel anything about the situation, I haven't been worried...at least not for her, for my grandfather yes, but I'll explain that later (if I remember to).



So bear with me as I try to sort through these thoughts;



She's always been the healthy one b/w my paternal grandparents so when she was originally put in the hospital I dismissed it as being minor, unfortunately her condition has quickly deteriorated. I saw her a few days ago (for the last time?)---she called me pretty, claimed to have once been as pretty as I am, I wanted to tell er that she is pretty and that I thought her hands were beautiful.



She says she's proud of me.



I thought...if I was to never see her again, I think I would be most upset at the fact that I've always avoided playing the piano around her (she makes me nervous) even though I know she loves to listen to me play, ha, I once played her to sleep.



I've yet to be sad, although I have experienced bouts of guilt and have suffered the grief of that guilt.



Her sickness has taught me that the saying "Live like each day is you last" is absolute bump. I personally will grieve very little if my life means nothing to myself, because I know that that is my fault, and I can live with that. However, I now think that it is incredibly important to live each day as if it is your loved one's last day.



Does that make sense to you?



I can live with disappointing myself, but to let down someone I love, especially if it could be their last day on earth, is quite...unbearable.



I've also learned that your perspective of reality changes as you age, and I don't mean dementia or any other debilitating outgrowth of time.



For example, I find that beauty, as you age, changes from "the aesthetically pleasing" to "youth and vitality" and that strength is no longer so much a physical attribute as it is the ability to control your movements and possessing absolute belief in that ability - that is strength!

Now to make a reference back to my grandfather, I'm not going to call him atheist, but, his belief in God is not without major cracks and dents. He is the picture of cynical old men, and I love him for that, but I worry for his soul. He, as you obviously already suspect, blames God for the misfortunes that have befallen Mom-Mom (My grandmother), and he is particularly upset that this illness chose such a blissful time in my grandparents' lives to take effect.

My grandfather had just begun to take Conformation classes at our Episcopal church, now however....

I can't help but wonder if this illness is a test of God's toward my grandfather's budding faith. If so...I'm somewhat worried for my grandfather. I don't know what to think...

Heaven is a good place to go, or so I've heard, and so I believe, but to convince my grandfather of that will be more than a little difficult.

As a younger child I stumbled upon the most reassuring of quotes and I always connect it to death (although that's not difficult since it is about death)

"Why is it we rejoice at births and mourn at funerals? Is it because we are not the person involved?"