Ironic Ain't It?!

• What a nice night for an evening.
  
• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
  
• Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
  
• On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
  
• If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
  
• The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
  
• Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
  
• Prejudiced people are all alike.
  
• Those who judge others will burn in Hell!
  
• Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.
  
• I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
  
• There's no such thing as nonexistence.
  
• Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
  
• As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
  
• It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
  
• Avoid cliches like the plague.
  
• Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  
• Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  
• I always try to do things in chronological order.
  
• Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  
• Death to all fanatics!
  
• An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
  
• Don't chew [or eat] with your mouth full.
  
• It's deja vu all over again.
  
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
  
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
  
• Rehab is for quitters!
  
• Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
  
• Some people type so fast that forget to include
  
• I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
  
• I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
  
• Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
  
• Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
  
• I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
  
• Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
  
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  
• Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous.
  He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
  I disagree with unanimity.
  I have my doubts about disbelief.
  Avoid Alliteration. Always.
  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
  I always wanted to be a procrastinator... never got around to it.
  Freedom of speech is overrated.
  

Jack Handey Philosophies 1 (Thanks to Brian for letting me use these philosophies!)

• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
• Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
  
• I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
  
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
  I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make
• someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality
• Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
• I'd rather be rich than stupid.
• If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
• What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
• We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
• Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
• Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
  
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.
  
• Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
  
• You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
  
• If you're ever in a plane getting ready to take off, and you see another plane crash into something, just smile, because hey, there have never been back to back plane crashes.
  
• Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
  
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Scientific Philosophies

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill.

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."

! ! !Lastly, I truelly hope that you don't believe a word of this! ! !

I'm SOOO Depressed!!! :

The Truth about Santa

After much research, we present the annual aeronautical engineers report on the theory of Santa:
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total -378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. That is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us do at lease once every 31 hours, plus eating etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.

If every one of the 91.8 million homes with good children were to put out a single chocolate chip cookie and an 8 ounce glass of 2% milk, the total calories (needless to say other vitamins and minerals) would be approximately 225 calories (100 for the cookie, give or take, and 125 for the milk, give or take). Multiplying the number of calories per house by the number of homes (225 x 91.8 x 1000000), we get the total number of calories Santa consumes that night, which is 20,655,000,000 calories. To break it down further, 1 pound is equal to 3500 calories. Dividing our total number of calories by the number of calories in a pound (20655000000 / 3500) and we get the number of pounds Santa gains, 5901428.6, which is 2950.7 tons.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) can pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9, reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second. Meanwhile, Santa, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb. Santa, being very conservative in terms of guessing Santa's weight, would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force. If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

A Merry Christmas to one and all!!